Melon with legs

I have morphed into a melon with legs. I went shopping for some groceries yesterday and as I walked through the store I wanted to sit down and take a nap right around the drinks section. I waddle and I push the pumpkin out before me like a cow catcher. It's rather amusing really. I was comparing some photos from 2 weeks ago to ones I took tonight and you can see how much larger I've grown. I'm starting to dread getting my weight done next month.

Christmas takes a lot more energy than one would think. That is until you have little energy to start with. I slept 12 hours once I had the chance and that still wasn't enough. I've lived with a chronic illness so I figured I already knew how to deal with the life of constant fatigue but man was I ever in for a surprise! This is so oddly different. Perhaps it's because I know at the end of the tunnel isn't more sleep. Just 2 am feedings. Then that doesn't bug me so much.

Speaking of fatigue I'm going to crawl into my bed with the new flannel sheets and crash and burn for a few days. Hope to see you all in the New Year!

I'm not good at the mushy stuff

Oh I love the mushy stuff. I get weepy at all the right movies, I cry at books and I sniffle over weddings. I well up at baby commercials too. I just can't write the mushy stuff. I can't get out the feelings of overwhelming joy or awe I go through almost every day. I read my friends blogs that are full of these wonderfuly introspective words about all the things new mommy hood brings them. Me I just whine because my nose runs 24/7.

It hit me today that I can honestly say that I'm having a baby next month. December is almost over and in just a few short weeks I reach full term. It was like a ton of bricks got dumped on me. There is next to nothing done. Our friends have still not dropped off the stroller, we have no crib and hardly any cute tiny clothes. Hell I have to un earth my suitcase and figure out what is going to the hospital with me yet.

Then I wonder what I'm going to say to my son when I see him face to face for the first time. I do talk to him now, though not that often. It's been hard to say things to him because I don't know him yet. And the first time I tell him I love him and how much my heart hurt when I thought he'd never come along I want to look him in the eyes.

I also feel so deeply for my friends who are still struggling through the painful field of infertility. I know their pain so deeply and I also know that as happy as you are to see one of us graduate your still say "Why her and not me?" You wish your friends well and love them with all your heart but it's still deeply painful. I want this for them almost more than I want it for myself.

Tonight he dances in my belly and sets my shirt bouncing and I'm enjoying the smell of the cheesecake in the oven for Christmas Day dinner and watching the fire in the fireplace and I know next year he will be here with us.

T minus 10 and counting

Today was my second to last monthly appointment. After my next appointment I begin the bi weekly ones. This is scary because it signals that this is it, we are at the end of the up hill battle. Any moment now he could decide he wants to come see the world and his mommy and daddy. It's scary as hell.

You can see my shirt jumping around when he's in a fighting mood now and I feel him through out the day without having to strain to do so. I've even been treated to having a tiny foot stuck in my ribs. That was fun doing 70 on the freeway.

My doctor tells me that my blood pressure is great, that I've passed that hellgate of the gestational diabetes test and that my weight gain is below what she felt was the safe high for me. So over all he's doing well in his mommy and I'm doing a pretty good job taking care of him and protecting him.

To touch or not to touch.

Peanut's daddy and I attended his family's company Christmas party last evening. Let me start off by saying that it's still relatively small in size, many of those in attendance worked for Mr. Daddy's grandfather and two had worked for his great grandfather. Current employee's as well as retired old guard are all there as well as family. Also this party comes with an open bar and no inhibitions.

In years past I would get toasty with the sales guys, dance with the wives and office girls and come home with sore feet and a smile on my face. This year I was not sad I couldn't drink with the guys or dance all night long but there was a twinge of regret for being more of an observer than anything else this year. Of course this was made easier by the fact my normal drinking buddy had actually moved on to another company. To my surprise he saw me before I saw him. The first words out of his mouth were "Lemme get you a drink!"

So grinning from ear to ear I told him this year was not able to and that a consolation was he was actually not attending and then I told him why I couldn't drink. He was thrilled and then in a pattern that repeated through the night his hand went to my belly, then stopped short and hung there in a question mark. Laughing I told him it was ok to touch.

It was funny watching these guys, most of them my father age, all repeat the same dance. Their instinct was to touch yet at that last second they also realized there may be a personal space issue if they should. I told each laughingly that they could go ahead and touch.

These guys are family and my son is the second in line to the 5th generation who will eventually walk in the doors of a company my husbands great grandfather started. It was a continuance of life last evening that was striking as I watched my husbands youngest cousin's 4 year old dance her heart out. There out on the dance floor was the next generation, the one behind ours. My son will join her soon and Mr Daddy's other cousins twins (grats again guys!) won't be far behind.

The former employee, by the way, was there because the company he now works for sells to his former company and in a tradition that goes 25 years back sales people and other companies that work closely with the business are invited to join each year. So he, of course, pulled rank and attended with his sales guy. As we left I told him we'd be there next year and I'd be sans kid and I expected him to help make up for this year.

Advent

It's been a while. Not because nothing is going on but because I've just never been good at updating these things.

Baby Boy is flipping, rolling, punching and kicking to his hearts delight. You can see him and feel him from the outside now. Every day I grow bigger and not just my stomach. My butt and thighs are expanding too, as if they needed any help.

Third trimester has begun. It's a scary thought to be this far along now. It's far more real to me.

Dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

whomp bang

He's getting stronger by the day, sometimes I think by the minute. By Thanksgiving I think family and friends will be able to feel him on the outside. He seems to find my lower belly the funest part of things. It's no longer a little flutter it's an all out whomp stomp now.

I'm eating like a starving person. Tonight at dinner I wiped out my plate and even though I felt gorged on food I felt like I could continue eating. I really hope my better sense continues to find me or I'll look like Violet in Willy Wonka soon.

Oh the things my husband says.

On the way home from our ultrasound showing the little wing dang doodle Husband and I talked about having a boy. I asked him if would have been as happy if he'd found out it was a girl as he was when he found out he was a He. His response?

"Well it's sorta like really wanting an Xbox 360. I mean you really want it but you find out you're getting a Playstation 3 instead. I mean, well, it's still really cool and you can do neat stuff with it so you're still happy."

I wait for a few moments then ask him "So, you're comparing our son to an Xbox 360?"

"I can't talk about anything with you!"

Oh the burn.

First, dear friends of myself and darling husband became parents yesterday to a baby boy. He's just a doll and I couldn't be happier for them if I tried. Good thing I don't have to try. Congrats you two!

Now for me. The heartburn has started. Yep, I wake up and the aching pain is there, hmmm Tums. You know their Smoothie ones are pretty damn good. Not as chalky as I've had in the past. Still the burn is there if my tummy is empty or I've been lying down. It's probably one of the most annoying things ever. Even more annoying that the 24/7 peeing really.

I was so hoping to avoid this unpleasant part of baby hatching but alas it was not to be. I should have known given I've gotten damn near every other pregnancy yucky that could come down the pike.

And the ultrasound says...

The baby is very healthy, and squirmy. We got a wonderful shot of the heart and all 4 chambers beating beautifully. And we know we are having a baby boy.

Halfway home

Today I am 20 weeks pregnant. This means I am halfway baked, or rather PtB is halfway baked. Her bones are getting harder, she wants to suck her thumb and her eyebrows and eye lashes are growing in. It's hard to think that I'm halfway through this journey now it seems like just yesterday I was finding out there was life in me.

Soon we will go and register for baby items, pick out little sleepers, hats and socks. We'll start purchasing our crib, pack n play and carseat/stroller. We already have a small amount of clothes all folded in the dresser waiting to be washed in Dreft for PtB's arrival. I've already been told I need to get a coming home outfit.

Tuesday is my next doctor's appointment and we'll probably know if we are having a boy or a girl by the end of the week. Though at the first U/S I saw nothing that would be a boy, meaning I saw no penis. I looked. And she was on her back sex area clearly visible. So I think it's a girl. But of course the tech would not say so we'll go back and hope we get a clear shot.

Then the week before Thanksgiving will be my last monthly visit. Starting in December I'll go 2 times a month until mid January when I'll start going once a week. It's all going so damn fast. Perhaps it's also because of the holidays that it feels like that. Halloween moves to Thanksgiving moves to Christmas moves to New Year's Eve and onto a friend's wedding. Then last we have Valentine's day. There hardly seems enough time to smash those all in as well as prepare for a baby.

Cranky

I am a cranky pregnant women. I try very hard not to be but I must face facts I am.

Butterfly's

Tuesday afternoon I felt a little tired and a lot cranky, that's somewhat normal these days. But I did notice a faint odd feeling in my tummy. By last night I realized what it was. PtB's moving and I'm starting to feel it.

An odd butterfly like feeling below my belly button is the focus of my day today. It keeps coming then going them coming again. No order or reason he or she just seems to want to move or kick just right that mommy can feel it now.

Guilt factor

Most people who know me know that I have a large group of friends online. I've met a few of them, I talk to most of them at least once a week. Most I've gained a lot of support and help from over the past few years. I've been on one message board for over 4 years now and I've grown close to more than one women I've met there.

Three weeks before I found out I was going to have Peanut a friend found out she was having a baby. We were so excited to go through this together as first time mom's. It was nice to have someone I could go through this with.

A few weeks later she found out her baby, twins actually, were gone. It was a terriable blow to so many of us. I didn't know what to do or say because here I was plugging along and she was dealing with this pain.

I still feel so guilty when I reach milestones because I know that she's still mourning her lost babies. Each one I reach I know it's one she won't have.

My neice might not like this.

My doctor called me today to let me know the U/S looked great and that she's moved my EDD up to 3/2/08. I'd suspected I was further along than she had thought because I know my body and cycles. The problem for me was always that my LP was too short. Well hell the whole cycle was. I was Oing somewhere between CD 5 and 9 when most women ovulate between CD 10 and 14. Then my LP was only 10 to 11 days long. I always suspected that the trick to me getting pregnant was getting me to ovulate earlier to get my LP that extra few days.

And frankly, given what I know about my personal life I was sure of it ;)

My youngest niece might start biting her nails now in the hopes that her new cousin won't come on her birthday on the 1st.

Tiny yet trouble

The baby is perfect. Two arms, two legs, spin, ribs and a bladder. It's so tiny yet with a beating heart. The tech was wonderful. But I did vomit up all the water I was supposed to drink before I left the house.

Already a snot

You'd think with a limited amount of space to move in PtB would be easy to find. He's not. Well we did find him we know that because we'd here a loud "WHAP!" then nothing as he kicked the Doppler microphone and moved away. I have to say it's the most amazing thing I've heard in my life, though I know more is coming. There really is a baby in there.

So on Thursday we'll go back to the office, after I drink 32 oz of water, to see PtB for the first time. We know he's alive and kicking but we need to see his little self so the doctor knows everything is as it should be. He can get as squirmy as he wants then the ultrasound will leave him no place to hide.

It's finally been said.

As odd as it may sound I've often yearned to say words like "This kid is using my kidney as a punching bag." or "If this kid doesn't get off my rib cage I may scream." So it was a rather exciting moment when I uttered "This kid is sitting on my bladder." the other day.

I've been promised by mommies and websites that the second trimester would bring a slow down to the peeing marathon, though I should expect to have it increase ten fold in the third trimester. Though so far I've found that PtB is happy in the lower part of my womb right on my bladder. This of course doesn't help the gagging at all. Even though baby is down in my pelvic bone area yet, the bump that is now home to my baby is still ramming up into my stomach if I bend the wrong way. I sat on my kitchen floor and gagged for a good 10 minutes one after noon because I'd dared to unload the dishwasher.

One one hand I want to relish each and ever moment my baby is inside me. The one thing I was never able to come to terms with while dealing with infertility was that I would never feel life in me. It brought me to my knees. On the other hand though I still want the next big thing. Right now it's to feel the baby moving finally. I'm far off from that yet, around 5 ish weeks give or take how strong PtB is.

Last week I was weepy most days. The realization that I was having a baby was almost too much for me to consider. This week I'm tired again. I wonder what next week will bring. Maybe gas.

On day I bend, the next day I don't.

Well to be honest I do still bend. Just not as well. And not without my guts ramming up into my lungs. Soon I won't be able to lay on my stomach or back and still breath. I'm also starting to get the hard bump that women who are expecting get.

On the other hand I'm snappier than ever and I'm not sure why. Little stuff gets on my nerves worse than I ever thought it would. Like chewing. I hate hearing people chew. It makes me crazy. And noise. I hate hearing people wander around and make noise.

So how are you feeling today?

I realize this is a normal part of being pregnant but how do you answer people when they keep asking 'so how are you feeling today?'. Most days I feel as if I may puke, pass out and pee all at once. Maybe while eating a turkey. But people don't want to know that. They want to hear you are doing just fine. I'm sure they also don't want to hear that my bra is too tight and my ulcer is going nuts thanks to the acid reflux I think is starting.

So why then ask? To be polite I'm sure. The thing is that it is hard for a pregnant women to just leave well enough alone. We want to spill all the details and gush about what the baby looks like now and each symptom. More so if it's her first. I know for most of the women I talk to it is because they want reassurance that everything they are going through is totally normal and they'll be just fine.

Even I hate hearing about it all the time. I don't always want to know how I'm doing on those days the bathroom is a dear friend and the only thing I can think about eating with out violent illness is a box of cereal.

Of course if you voice that to a women who's already had a baby they'll look at you and say 'just wait!'. I don't want to wait for more misery. Leave me to the miseray I have now.

Why thanks, I feel fat too

My pants that have snaps or buttons no longer fit well. I can no longer button or snap them up without feeling like I'm trying to cut myself in two. Now, I'm not really a thin girl by any means, but I will too feel fat as I gain baby and pregnancy weight like any other girl having a baby. So when I complain to my husband that I will be the size of a house when PtB is here and he laughs I want to kick him in the shins. Not that this would help.

At my first prenatal visit yesterday the doctor did tell me she wasn't overly concerned about my weight and would not be unless I begin to gain at an alarming rate. While she wasn't impressed with my frequent urges for fast food, she was happy that I'm choosing to have snacks like crackers, pretzels and fruits near me. I will also run and get some nuts and dried fruits to add to my snack baggie. Also, even though some of my food choices aren't the best I'm still around the caloric intake she wants me at. So her message, lay off the cheeseburger a couple of times and add a better snack.

My blood pressure was excellent. The nurse said she couldn't ask for better.

And given that I've not heard back from the doc after 24 hours I assume all 5 viles of blood they vampired from me is looking good too.

What my husband realize about pregnancy

Having a baby the first time is a learning experience for mom and dad. Mostly mom given she's the one who's body has gone fun house mirror but dad's learning too. Dad's learning curve has the look of a circle though.

When a women is pregnant she's got loads of books, the Girlfriend network and now the Internet to rely on. She'll be given advice some good and some bad. Others who have been there before her will cackle with glee as they disperse advice and dire warnings. While mom might be scared dad will blissfully unaware of most of the inner workings of pregnancy.

This leads me to the things that my husband doesn't realize about pregnancy.

1) I smell everything. The garbage must be changed every day there is no negotiation on that point. The second garbage gets more than 12 hours old I smell it while sitting on the couch in the living room. There must be a can of air spray at all times in the bathroom. The cat box has to be done one time a day at a minimum. I smell dinner before it's cooked now.

2) I am hungry now dammit. I cannot wait. I will not wait. I will eat a bag of rice un cooked right this second I'm so damn hungry. I will not hesitate to go through you to get to food.

3) If I say I have to pee this means at that moment in time. Like hunger, that can't wait.

4) When I have to sleep I have to sleep.

5) I am irrational. Be it my demand that the cats stop walking so loud or my request for gross, greasy, gas station nacho's at 3am. While I'm a big believer in the ideal of personal responsibility it can be hard to control the crazy when it starts. Further I don't know I'm being irrational most of the time.

Don't get my wrong, PtB's dad is great. He tries hard to be there for me and to not get bent out of shape about the crazy I throw around sometimes. I'd hate to give off the impression that he doesn't try. But he's never been good at remembering things like taking the trash out right away or that waiting 2 hours after deciding on dinner before getting it is probably not a great idea. Now that my body has begun to become some foreign place to me those things seem to be more pronounced. The biggest thing in his favor is that he's gives me a lot of rope to run on before he breaks down and wants to know if I'm completely insane.

Yes but is there a list for it?

Gummy bears as a nice treat. I realize I should feel guilty for mowing down a full bag but instead I comfort myself with the fact it was a small bag and they are a 'healthy' candy. Of course I won't remember any of this once the bag is gone and out of site. You see the baby sucks your brain like a tiny little zombie.

See right there. I started watching a TV show I'd forgotten was on. So I forgot to keep posting. Yesterday I went to get lunch, started driving and forgot what I was driving too. Though from what I understand over all what I'm experiencing is mild compared to other women go through. Still it's rather funny or sad depending on my mood that given day.

In an attempt to combat this baby sucked brain syndrome I write stuff down, if I can remember, then carry a list in my bag. But sometimes I forget that too. Oddly, the one thing I don't forget is eating. I'm good at that now.

Ever get so hungry you'd teat a box of mints?

This, by far, has been the biggest surprise to me about having a baby. I get so hungry that I will do anything I can to find some sort of food to swallow. And almost anything will do so long as you can have it now not later. My husband has been adjusting to that learning curve. Where in the past he could wait a few hours before getting dinner now he has about 15 minutes before I go into complete melt down yelling for the Whopper I asked for. I just can't wait.

Though, I can't decide if the urge to eat or the urge to pee is greater yet. They are probably about the same in urgency though one is more embarrassing than the other. I was a person who avoided public restrooms at all costs no matter what. I can no longer be that picky. I went to the state fair last evening because, as I told my friend on the phone there was food there. Even though it was in the upper 80's with a good deal of stickiness in the air I still needed to pee about every hour to two hours. It was s source of great amusement to my so called friends.

Though I must be honest now. No matter how many times I wonder if candle wax is filling or how often I rush out of my office in a hurry I never really resent these impositions. I never though I'd have a baby. My husband and I had given those thoughts up long ago and had gotten used to being a two and not a three. While I may laugh, get irritated or vomit my mostly decaf coffee back up most days I can't really get over the wonder of it all.