Oh I love the mushy stuff. I get weepy at all the right movies, I cry at books and I sniffle over weddings. I well up at baby commercials too. I just can't write the mushy stuff. I can't get out the feelings of overwhelming joy or awe I go through almost every day. I read my friends blogs that are full of these wonderfuly introspective words about all the things new mommy hood brings them. Me I just whine because my nose runs 24/7.
It hit me today that I can honestly say that I'm having a baby next month. December is almost over and in just a few short weeks I reach full term. It was like a ton of bricks got dumped on me. There is next to nothing done. Our friends have still not dropped off the stroller, we have no crib and hardly any cute tiny clothes. Hell I have to un earth my suitcase and figure out what is going to the hospital with me yet.
Then I wonder what I'm going to say to my son when I see him face to face for the first time. I do talk to him now, though not that often. It's been hard to say things to him because I don't know him yet. And the first time I tell him I love him and how much my heart hurt when I thought he'd never come along I want to look him in the eyes.
I also feel so deeply for my friends who are still struggling through the painful field of infertility. I know their pain so deeply and I also know that as happy as you are to see one of us graduate your still say "Why her and not me?" You wish your friends well and love them with all your heart but it's still deeply painful. I want this for them almost more than I want it for myself.
Tonight he dances in my belly and sets my shirt bouncing and I'm enjoying the smell of the cheesecake in the oven for Christmas Day dinner and watching the fire in the fireplace and I know next year he will be here with us.
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I brought a lot of crap to the hospital, but I only used the lip balm (during labor), the little travel soaps/shampoos/etc. for a shower, my going home clothes, and the cameras. So, I'm not sure what else one is supposed to have in a hospital bag, even though ours was kind of full of crap--I can't even remember what was in there.
~Sara
Never ever EVER feel guilty for the gift you've been given! I rejoice with you! Just cry with us when we cry, and let us rejoice with you when you rejoice. That's how we'll all get through this! Love you! And love PTB, too!
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